The Kindergoth Escapades

 SNAP! There it is! Oh, I've been waiting. I always wait for the other shoe to drop, just like my mother did. Things have been so well.  It's definitely PMS because it is sure as fuck isn't pregnancy mood swings I'll tell you that. Oh boy. When you're good you're great but when you're not, I want to crawl into a hole. You'd never lay a hand on me but the deep shrinking feeling in my chest hurts worse than a fist ever could. You jokingly hide your face like I'd raise my fists in anger.  I could never hit you. I mean, maybe... He asks me if I'm talking about him and I chuckle. I'm frantically tapping the keys as these thoughts flow from my fingertips.  My head is aching, but venting feels good. It feels good to use this useless blog as therapy. He appears from the kitchen with snacks... and.... [scene] I love him, I really do. More than I ever have anyone. We will take on the world together and be each other's sounding boards at home. I'

TW: Death, dying, PTSD, Blood  Blogging has to be cheaper than therapy, right? I used to think PTSD was something only possible for veterans.  I thought the use of the phrase was mockery otherwise.   I don't want to bother people, so I keep to myself. My partner and I are both in the fire service. We both have calls we cannot talk about.  Some we experienced together and are able to use each other as a sounding board, and it hurts a little less.  I am less bothered by the presence of a lifeless body than I am by the screaming of their wives..or mothers..when they arrive.  Our most recent fatal crash happened on the night before mother's day. Alcohol and motorcycles do not mix, and for the love of all. Wear a helmet. Her screams played over and over in my head for days. When I closed my eyes, I saw him lying there, covered in a stained white sheet--but not completely. He was tall. His feet stuck out, I stared at them.   Blood pooled on the pavement behind him and I wondered for

  Do you remember the first time you said it was time? You jumped in head first thinking that in 9 months time you would be welcoming a baby. Your dumb ass probably even circled that date on the calendar. You changed all of your fertility apps and tracked your symptoms religously, unsure of who you were trying to convince more.  You stopped smoking, just in case. You were so hopeful. That two week wait came and went and you waited for two more..Again, just in case. Nothing.  That was the first time you tried.  Then months came and went with nothing. Tests got expensive. Calendars got marked with red X's. Over and over and over again. It wasn't fun anymroe, it was a chore.  By then, you've deleted the pinned Baby Names note from your Google Keep, just so you didn't have to be reminded every time you made a grocery list.   Time goes on and it should probably be the furthest thing from your mind at this point, but it isn't. Even with the state of the world, you're