Cheaper than therapy

TW: Death, dying, PTSD, Blood 

Blogging has to be cheaper than therapy, right? I used to think PTSD was something only possible for veterans.  I thought the use of the phrase was mockery otherwise.  

I don't want to bother people, so I keep to myself. My partner and I are both in the fire service. We both have calls we cannot talk about.  Some we experienced together and are able to use each other as a sounding board, and it hurts a little less. 

I am less bothered by the presence of a lifeless body than I am by the screaming of their wives..or mothers..when they arrive. 

Our most recent fatal crash happened on the night before mother's day. Alcohol and motorcycles do not mix, and for the love of all. Wear a helmet. Her screams played over and over in my head for days. When I closed my eyes, I saw him lying there, covered in a stained white sheet--but not completely. He was tall. His feet stuck out, I stared at them.  

Blood pooled on the pavement behind him and I wondered for a moment if his head was still attached. I couldn't bring myself to step closer, but I later found out that it was. 

I didn't know this man, or anything about him, but for some reason I was invested. Maybe because I just witnessed someone's life getting changed forever. I looked him up on facebook, and saw the memories his family shared when they learned of his passing.  Other than the fatal crash where I knew the person, no other fatality had stuck with me so much.

Today, I realized --just now, is exactly one month from that day, and I'm just reflecting. It doesn't keep me up at night anymore. Sometimes it still pops into my head, but that will probably happen for a long time.  Some from years ago still come up occasionally.