As She Lay Dying
She isn't long for this world, my Dear Mother. I never thought things would move this fast. Three weeks ago we were told 9 months to a year. She stopped eating, drinking, moving. She was taken to the hospital on...oh I don't know my days run together so bad.
Monday. It was a Monday. Here, I edit this post nearly 4 years later and I can recount them in horrid detail. I was up for 23 hours straight after getting off work the other morning.
I sat at the hospital for about 5 hours and she never moved anything more than her arms, couldn't really open her eyes. I'm not sure how much of that was the ativan and morphine though.
She couldn't speak but with few breaths cried for her mother, something I wish I could have done in the moment. The family came from near and far. I wasn't ready. My sister stayed the night. I will forever regret her making that decision. She was with her in her final moments. It has haunted her this whole time. I don't know if missing that moment would change how she is today. I think it would. No, I wouldn't have wanted her to die alone in a hospital bed, but I just feel so bad for how that has affected my sister. She has never been the same.
I'm not ready to lose my mother. But, is anyone? No, they're fucking not. I'm in a venting ranting mood here, and just re-reading, recounting this puts a terrible shrinking sick feeling in my chest. Makes me want to vomit. I'm tired of living in a world where I can't call my mother for literally anything. I'd kill to have a real conversation with her one last time. Hug your mothers tonight, or fucking call them like you keep promising...because I miss mine like crazy.
I sat at the hospital for about 5 hours and she never moved anything more than her arms, couldn't really open her eyes. I'm not sure how much of that was the ativan and morphine though.
She couldn't speak but with few breaths cried for her mother, something I wish I could have done in the moment. The family came from near and far. I wasn't ready. My sister stayed the night. I will forever regret her making that decision. She was with her in her final moments. It has haunted her this whole time. I don't know if missing that moment would change how she is today. I think it would. No, I wouldn't have wanted her to die alone in a hospital bed, but I just feel so bad for how that has affected my sister. She has never been the same.
I'm not ready to lose my mother. But, is anyone? No, they're fucking not. I'm in a venting ranting mood here, and just re-reading, recounting this puts a terrible shrinking sick feeling in my chest. Makes me want to vomit. I'm tired of living in a world where I can't call my mother for literally anything. I'd kill to have a real conversation with her one last time. Hug your mothers tonight, or fucking call them like you keep promising...because I miss mine like crazy.
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