Friday Realness *Mental Health Trigger Warning*

DISCLAIMER: post mentions depression and suicide, click away if this is an issue for you.

I wouldn’t exactly say “suicidal” but there have been a few instances where I’ve been driving and thought “what would happen if I just turn into this oncoming traffic...or off that steep embankment.”  And, of course, I’d spend the next several miles trying to shake that off, and argue with myself that I’d even had it.

If I contemplated the root of my depression, I’d be typing until I died, and maybe they’ll be another time for a bit more of my backstory, but today is not that day.  Last night I said “chronic depression”  out loud to my mother for the first time.  Which was immediately met with something along the lines of “You’re an adult, why don’t you do something about it?”

I mean, yeah...but I need an adultier adult.

Since graduating college,my severe anxiety has morphed into this Chronophobia of sorts.  Technically, it’s the fear of the passing of time. To me..it’s the fear of time passing an me not accomplishing anything.  So, I’m just constantly busy.  As much as I have learned from The Order of the Good Death,  I still fear death for the whole Final-ness of it.  I have no doubts that I will be a haunting spirit with unfinished business.  But of course,  I digress.

When I’m not at home writing, researching, etc. for The Kindergoth Escapades, I’m a retail Goth working the graveyard shift. For most of the night, I sort through all the junk you pesky humans pick up and shove into random shelves.  Thanks a lot, fuckers. Sometimes, I'm a delightful cashier,  continually expressing my true self by adding nerdy Goth pinback buttons (my favorite being my Rocksound Exclusive Picke Radke) to my vest. Kindergoth gets written on all my breaks, which is actually what I'm doing right this second,  trying not to get my feet run over by the hilarious floor buffer guy.

So that’s 2 jobs that I have...I also make cakes as Cardinal Cakery & Sweets (maybe someday an actual LLC, who knows) When I have family birthdays coming up, and occasionally I do get orders from real humans.  Check out @CardinalCakery on Instagram and Facebook to see all of my cakes.

Anyway, I’ve honestly forgotten what this was going to be about, sorry guys :/  As of right now, I’ve been awake for...like 16 hours. I have to hit the hay soon since I am working SIX days straight this week, what kinda bullshit is that xD

And some other shit happened last night, which has further depressed me, but meh.  So yeah, I’ve been searching around on ZocDoc.com, which is supposed to locate all of the doctors or specialists in your area, for a possible psychiatrist.  I literally pulled up wikihow pages on how to start treating depression, so that’s a start, right?

So, (and If I had a dollar for every time I incorrectly started a sentence with that, I wouldn’t have to work for a living)  I’m going to watch some “Ask A Mortician,” do some laundry and then pass out.

Toodles!

-Miss Motionless